Faith: Friend or Foe

Most of us go through so many storms in our lives that were we to question God's love or existence at each one we would be faithless and rootless in the middle of the ocean. 

I have been faking it for some time now. Certainly I felt the slow slide to the land of unbelief when I left my volunteer activities at my last church over three years ago. Soon my attendance at Sunday services became spotty and because eventually I knew we would be moving to another city, I knew pulling away would be inevitable, and so chalked it up as necessary. No matter, I continued my daily devotionals and Bible readings and still do, though mostly it is along the order of taking my vitamins, wearing a seatbelt and not eating expired food.

As a year and then two went by, I picked up just one book about how I could learn to become more positive, change my ways and succeed in life, minus the word of God. And then it was two, and three. At first I told myself I was challenging myself to find God in the midst of words that never proclaimed the importance of Christ in one's life. After a while I stopped working at it entirely.

As my life before me feels more and more out of my control I am relying less and less, OK, not at all, on  God. I feel him there like some distant uncle who I never talk to but perhaps, if I need something, he will answer. But mostly I am not counting on it.

The saying that if God feels distant it's not him that moved, it's you, has never been more true. I don't doubt that God hasn't moved but I keep inching further away and now I am sure, should I be fortunate to face God some day he will look me in the eyes and say "I know you not."

When I first began volunteering with secular organizations I waited for someone to start and end the meeting in prayer, out of habit, because that is what I had become accustomed to. And then I just felt relieved that no one was going to call on me, the suckiest prayer of all time, to pray. Most meetings that I spent at church I struggled to even be fully present since I was sure at some point I was going to be called onto pray or called onto bring God more relevantly into my words or called onto remember a Bible verse that I did not have memorized. Maybe I brought this judgement on myself, but the stress that has been relieved at not having this expectation in the meetings and volunteer activities I am involved in now, is enormous. 

People have told me I need to practice if I am to become a better prayer. So I did practice and I did offer to pray and I did do it in the privacy of my own home. Nope, I have not become better and I still suck at it and I am still uncomfortable at it. And now I just feel like a failure and if I can't learn to pray, regardless of how often I read the Bible or practice, then I just plain suck. You can tell me that God doesn't care, but never, sitting in a meeting at church, have I ever heard someone say, "No thanks, I am not comfortable praying aloud, and have the whole team say, "hey, no worries." 

In attempting to work this through for myself over the years I have read books about prayers; I have used acronyms to help me cover the essentials of prayers; and I have asked people I know who do pray with beauty and heartfelt words how they do it. I have never come away with an answer. Because people who do pray well, don't have the answers. I just see them as better Christians or closer to God or whatever. And me as someone who will never be good enough.

Further, the more I draw away from God, the angrier I become and the more I dislike myself because angry people breed hate, and bitter words and resentment and who really wants to be around that? I know I don't so I don't even want to be around myself. But I am stuck with me. Now when I get stuck in traffic or my computer crashes for the fourth time in a week and I am stuck in one more line at Best Buy waiting for an appointment with a person who doesn't even have my name spelled right,  or my seventh psychiatrist leaves and I will never find another, or my new dog comes to me with ringworm and giardia and nasal infections and just plain pisses me off, I am useless to anyone.

And though I wish I could, I can't help thinking that this all began the day I wanted to belong to the kingdom of God and to His people and to be loved for who I am: a human being whose sins were forgiven by a man on a cross who gave his life so I could live mine.  But mostly I just feel inadequate  with my fellow believers and so if you find I'm avoiding you, this is why. 

So today my prayer is simply this: Dear God, I am not mad at you and I have not lost faith. But I am mad at your people and I am mad at this world. If you were able to soften your heart and love us enough to let yourself hang on a cross with nails through your body, maybe, just maybe, I will soften enough someday to stop being mad at your people and forget that I am imperfect in my words for you. Until that time, I am crawling, one inch at a time, back to you.