Recently I found myself longing to put a cranky toddler to
bed; longing to make the choices for my child of sweat pants or blue jeans,
water or milk, swim class or soccer. For the last 10 years of my life my
youngest son has been encouraging me to get out of my box, now everything I
read tells me to stay in my box. It’s called the “parent of an adult child” box
and recently I just taped it closed with a thick layer of strapping tape.
After losing my temper with said child, I logged onto my
computer and searched for ways to cope while inch by precious inch I attempted
to let go of the life that is not mine to make choices for any longer. It’s not
that I don’t already know this, but saying it when my son was making choices I
liked and saying it while watching matchbox cars crash a remote controlled
speedway in my mind are different.
I would love to give credit for the following quotes but I
cannot remember anymore where I found them since I have read so many columns,
from so many sites, over so many days. But here is some of the wisdom I found:
“Parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had”;
“Accept the reality that there is a good chance your child may throw away
opportunities despite all of your good influence”; “Don’t define your
relationship around the problem.”
What?! Where does this stuff come from? The wisdom of a
thousand parents cutting holes in the sides of cardboard moving boxes from
U-Haul?
I know a thing or two about parenting, people, because in spite
of what my boys might imply when I turn every decision worth more than two
cents over to their dad, I am a parent. And in order for me to continue on my
new adventure of parent to adults and not to toddlers or teenagers, I have
created my own list for the people who don’t like the typical mumbo jumbo. Even
if I was not a parent, I was a child and I have parents, and when I think of
how awesome I would have turned out had my parents followed this advice, you’ll
want to follow it too.
1. If you don’t parent the child you wish you had, then you
are failing to see the potential that lies under every decision you dislike and
simply accepting them for who they are: a person without enough experience to
live life yet, and determined to make mistakes you can tell them not to make.
2. Do not accept the reality that there is a good chance
that your child may throw away opportunities despite all of your good
influence. For starters, don’t kid yourself that you had any good influence on
your children. My children have become the adults they are because I have
parented them as the children I have wished they would become (see above):
great kids in spite of a mom who overslept,
overspent and over-lost-her-temper
times two. I would suggest that that is the reality of many homes.
3. Not defining your relationship around the problem is like
ignoring an elephant in your kitchen. Alleged parent: “So what did you do
today?” Adult child: “Ummm….I spent time doing that thing you don’t want me to
do.” Alleged parent: “What are your plans for the week?” Adult child: “I’m
going to spend more time doing that thing you don’t want me to do.” Alleged
parent: “Well, O.K., honey, have fun, I love you no matter what choice you
make, no matter what I wish, and no matter how many years I spent not parenting
you.”
And finally, since none of this will likely ever work,
because I’m not good at accepting reality, or realistic articles on being a
real parent, here is really my best advice: Alexandra Fuller writes in her book
Leaving before the Rains Come,
“Perhaps most of us never stop needing a person from whom we can fledge and
return repeatedly, continually trying out our independence in the knowledge
that there is somewhere and someone to which and to whom we can return.”
Little fledglings finding wings, I am your somewhere and
someone to which and to whom you can always return. Now go, fly.
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